TEAMS 2001-2002
 1897 The Golden Year
 1FC Laundromat
 Aoife's XI
 A Taste of the Raj
 Athletico Salford
 Billy's Boots
 Birmingham Shitty
 Bill S Preston North End
 Clint Bizzell Juniors
 Crazyhorse FC
 Crumbs DM
 Duck United
 Feck-Arse-Nil FC
 Gazton Villa
 Hicky's Heroes
 Keane As Mustard
 Lion of Vienna Sleeps

 Luke Perry All-Stars
 Partick Duffy Thistle
 Oh Sheffield
 Roísíns XI
 Salford Strokers
 Soft Centres
 Spakatak Toxteth
 Supersonic FC
 The Darling Dubs That

 The Lone Rangers

 Torpedo Bermondsey
 Woodbourne Rovers

 Teams 2000-2001
 Teams 1999-2000
 Gary's Dance




Last poll:
Who has been the biggest waste of money so far?

1. Jaap Stam
27 votes (18%)

2. Sergei Rebrov
23 votes (15%)

3. Mark Schwarzer
21 votes (14%)


Age: 27

Occupation: Analyst Programmer (but only between the hours of 9.30 and 5 - with one and a half hours for lunch)

Reason for knowing Gary or Neil: Met them both at the LSE. Gary was one of the first people I met, after he invited me into his room for a game of RISK (which I later found out was a board game, much to my relief). Here I also met Will-Who-Cheats-At-Risk (and I believe he did). Can't remember how I met Neil, although I have starred in one of his films (in a role I was born to play, I got to swear constantly for about 2 minutes - Method acting at its best). Don't like any of them though, so I can't give a reason as to why I know them now.

Clothing measurement of Choice: Obviously I have no idea. If you really need to know, ask my tailor.

Fascinating fact: My wisdom teeth are horizontal instead of vertical. If they start growing they will hit my jawbone.

Teams: Crumbs DM

Why do you support Man Utd when you're from Peterborough? Clearly Peterborough are never going to win anything, so supporting them was out of the question. I couldn't bring myself to support Liverpool like all the other kids, so went for the obvious alternative, and rather fortuitous that choice has turned out to be. I also like red, so am pleased that Arsenal are the only other viable alternative at present.

Yeah right. So have you ever started a chant at Old Trafford? I haven't much of a singing voice, so no. Plus the corporate hospitality boxes would surely frown on that sort of behaviour.

Have you ever been to Old Trafford? No I haven't, and until recently I was keen to make sure I went at least once. But as it is so far away, and television is just so convenient, I don't think I'll bother. Doesn't look very comfortable, and I wouldn't have access to a good chardonnay.

Do you like prawn sandwiches? Very much. In fact, Nicola recently said to me "Oh Ash, how do you make those wonderful prawn sandwiches, you treated us to the other day." To which I replied:

"Well, first you peel the prawns. Add a little thyme, basil, olive oil - naturally - and put them in a deep bowl. But you mustn't cover it. Add a little seasoning, and leave to stand, for at least an hour. Then, and only then, should they be added to some granary bread - which gives it that wonderful nutty flavour."

Do you really think you look like that bloke out of Grosse Pointe Blank? Most definitely. He was really excellent in the film, as he was in The Blues Brothers and Trading Places.

What's it like only having the same amount of money to spend as anyone else? I think it's a bloody disgrace. I paid to win this league, and it's a damned liberty that I should have to play according to the same rules as everyone else. It's almost as if having money doesn't mean a thing anymore.

If your dreamteam bus had broken down in Toxteth, who would you rescue first? Firstly, I think I should point out that I have no idea where Toxteth is, and wouldn't ever likely to be near there from what it sounds like. I should also point out that a team of mine would not travel by bus; more likely some sort of private jet. However, in this hypothetical example, I suppose I would have to rescue either Silvinho or Thierry Henry, as both have played very well for me. I would love to rescue Dwight Yorke, but then I would have to give him a sound thrashing, so its best I leave him to the savages of Toxteth.

And who would you leave behind to the mercy of all those Scouse comedians? Ah, so Toxteth is in Liverpool. My assumptions were correct then. I would leave behind all Aston Villa players, as they have been pathetic. As I should have known.

Apart from Neil, who do you most want to beat? Well, I don't want to lose to anyone I know. Obviously I can't be seen to lose to any women. Does that leave anyone? I suppose it means I have to win, but as you aren't taking bribes, I fear this will be rather difficult.

Who is the spawniest git in this year's dreamteam? Without doubt this would have to be Karen. Teddy Sheringham. I don't think I need say any more.

Apart from your back, what has irritated you the most in the last week? My legs. Cheating chess players. People at work not knowing what an Oedipus complex is.

Clare Devaney
Ron Voce
Ashish Shah
Duncan Bryson
Nick Fletcher
Dave Nicholson
Nity Raj
Simon Stoker
Craig Hickson