Age: 28
Occupation: Advertising Account Executive ( That's a jumped up sales rep)
Reason for knowing Gary or Neil: I first became acquainted with Gary when his
pants beat me in an election at the LSE. Neil was pretty hard to miss, what with
his Atomic Half Buiscuit Riders, or whatever student indie band T-shirt he was
wearing. I also drank in the tuns quite alot. More recently the connection has
been through Rob, who is better at staying in touch with old college people than
me.
Clothing measurement of Choice: 32" waist, 32" inside leg.
Fascinating fact: Wembley turf came from a village a few miles from where my
parents live.
Teams: Torpedo Bermondsey
How come you support Chelsea all of a sudden?? I've supported Chelsea since my
first year at LSE, when I was blinded by the evangelical zeal of James Shield.
The Blues were crap then, crap enough for me to avoid glory hunter jibes from
workmates now.
But didn't you support Carlisle United at LSE? I still do support Carlisle. As
Chelsea and Carlisle have met once in over 25 years, I see no conflict. I
rarely go to Carlisle games any more, but the soap opera which is England's
worst club keeps me gripped week in week out.
Have you ever seen a UFO or was that just a figment of Michael Knighton's imagination? Do not mention the name of the anti-christ in my presence. I have never seen a UFO, but many people in the Carlisle area have, suggesting it is a
centre of cosmic activity. Heavenly intervention may also be the reason for our miraculous escapes from relegation recently.
How many times a day do you email Rob Hick? Slightly less often than he emails
me.
Is that all? That's still quite a lot, upto 20 times in a single day. The
process starts with Rob sending a lengthy and lucid email to our loop about how
liverpool really won when they lost to chelsea 3-0 earlier in the season, about
how chelsea will be in the unibond league in 3 years time, and about how he
wants to suck Robbie Fowler's cock. This message is usually about 2000 words
long and quite well written, with a spell check, separate paragraphs and
everything. The standard of writing quickly descends and by 4 in the afternoon
we are trading crude insults about the vaginal hygiene of our mothers.
So why do you want to torpedo Bermondsey? I don't. I live in Bermondsey, which
is fine apart from the number of Millwall fans. I used to think torpedo Moscow
was a fantastic name for a footy club, so I nicked their prefix.
If you had a gun but only ten bullets, which of your players would you spare? This comes down to a tough choice between Lucas Radebe and Gus Poyet. I like Radebe because he scores points for me and has always been underated. I felt very smug when I saw that no-one else had picked him, taking it as a sure sign of my unique ability to recognise true talent. Gus would have to be the one to live though. He is Chelsea's best player and gives his all every time, even if he has scored fuck all points this year.
And which one would most likely get shot ten times? Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. Manchester United's only crap player. I almost chose Teddy instead......ah well.
Apart from Rob, who do you most want to beat? Callum. I don't know the man,
but everybody was in awe of his ability during the summer. Also Cory, which
shouldn't be difficult.
Who is the spawniest git in this year's dreamteam? Duck utd seem to have lucked
out a bit. Anyone with Silvinho or Sheringham
What has irritated you the most in the last week? Having to work for a living.
One final question, Shaun Goater. Why? I built my team from the back, leaving
money tight for strikers. I decide to lash out an extra million and go for
Solskjaer rather than Sherringham (boo hoo), leaving a motley crew of £2 million
men from which to choose. City had not signed Wanchope, I didn't think Weah
would stay and "The Goat" banged a few away last year. Those with any
knowledge of nationwide footy have been ribbing me ever since.
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