It was a pretty uneventful week in the Dream Team with low scoring the order of the day, due to no Worthless Cup or Champions League action. With gaps appearing in the league, there wasn't a great deal of moving and shaking this week. This weeks Davina McCall is Ron Voce's Bill S Preston North End, who thanks to the exploits of Ian Taylor and Mark Viduka posted an equal top score of 51 to move up from 7th to 4th. Dave Nicholson's Birmingham Shitty also scored 51 points this week. This week's Paula Yates was Liz O'Reilly's Shamrock Utd, who scored a lowly 2 points waving goodbye to the top 4 and down to 8th place.

The same Holy Trinity are at the top of the league, with Barmby Wanks, erm, I mean St Reatham FC on 557 points, Duck United on 545 and Luke Perry's Allstars on 525 points. The same holy mess are at the bottom of the league, propped up by Ronald Bevis Voce's Soft Centres.

Just as he was about to score his hattrick, Ian Taylor looked up and saw his Mum in the crowd

Despite being way ahead in the poll for the most annoyingly cocky manager, Richard Mulcahy's Sunday Stroolers are proving to be all mouth and no trousers as they continue to loiter outside the money in 4th place.

Gazton Villa are in 12th place on 421 points, but a good week will catapult him into contention. We have to mention Gary or he will moan otherwise.

Last year's thoroughbreds, The Porcelain Horse are turning out to be this year's dog meat in a lowly 17th position. One of the authors of this report (no prizes for guessing which one) has already been advised by Callum to 'slow down at the top' as he sees his crown disappear over the horizon. Perhaps Callum was suffering from a lack of oxygen when he was high up (or was it just high?) in the Andes.

One manager who can't wait for the transfer window to open (he was being advised that unfortunately he can change only 3 and not all 11 of his players) is Craig Hickson, whose Athletico Salford who are dwindling in the nether regions of the table. We can't understand it ourselves, not when you see the array of talent up front with Shaun Goater, Marian Pahars and Eidur Gudjohnsen leading the charge. We are trying to get our heads around the thought processes that led to the selection of that unlikely trio. This surely proves once and for all that Manure fans are too busy eating prawn sandwiches to pay attention to what's going on on the pitch.

Anyway, back to the title of the report. Mark’s St Reatham FC are currently sitting pretty at the top of the tree thanks to his astute spending of £35m (cunningly choosing 6 penalty takers). After a quiet start, he is now in his rightful position, thanks to some recent high scores. However, Duck Utd and Luke Perry's All-stars are pushing him all the way and it should be an exciting battle as this trio are opening up a gap at the top. Duck Utd are currently sitting on an extra 20 points thanks to Edward Sheringham, but the title this season could be won or lost in the transfer market in January. Clare is also in the cash this week thanks to the midtable obscurity prize. This one is certainly too close to call at this stage as the also-rans jostle for position in the middle of the league, but Clare would like to point out to the other contenders that her Uncle Jimmy collects kneecaps. Ron Voce is sitting on a hefty £20 at the moment, thanks to his 4th place and also the never-was prize of last position.

Drinks are on him at the Dreamteam Xmas pissup. Details to follow.

For now, here’s the table: