After all the brouhaha over last week's transfer window, this week....absolutely fuck all has happened. In fact, I've seen more activity from a condom machine in a nunnery. Well, it was in the gents - they wouldn't see it. And they're all on the pill. Slags.

Top scorer was the manager with no name a.k.a. Mark Darnbrook (email: m.darnbrook@lse.ac.uk) whose St.Reatham FC earned 66 points, largely due to his transfers. Lowest scorer was Rob Hick's Rushden Anne Diamonds who only notched up 9 points, having made less transfers than Doug Ellis (who is a c**t and will hopefully die soon...of cancer...of the face).

Meanwhile, back in the jungle...

People agreed that Leeds Utd's youth policy was getting out of hand...

An anal examination of this week's transfers reveals that the most dumped player was Alan "Shit" Shearer. Probing more deeply, we can see that also heading down the pan were 3 turds from Villa - Delaney (no relation, well he's got a mom), Dublin and Ginola (£3 million?! He's not worth it). Goater and Thatcher were also wiped away, and now appear rather flushed. Popular choices sneaking in through the back door were Silvinho, Gudjohnsen and Sorensen. Old manure Sheringham was chosen by four, while Stewart made a clean fist of it with five.

At the top of the table again is Duck Utd blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. St Reatham move up to 2nd and cut the gap on the leader to 60, while Bill S Preston NE drop from 2nd to 3rd. Stuck at the bottom of the table, appropriately enough, are Villa Rejects. Good.

I'm not even going to write about the Cup cos it's a Mickey Mouse trophy anyway, much like the award for Best Animator. But while I'm at it let's have a look at the conference, oh look they've all gone for a tea break.

Quotes of the Week:
"Some people think Dreamteam is a matter of life and death. I can assure them it is much more serious than that"
     Bill Shankly speaking frankly

"Crazy Horses...WAH WAH!!....Crazy Horses....WAH WAH!!"
     The Osmonds

"Not being the cocky type, I'm quite pleased I'm ahead of everyone in the Conference Office, especially Clare"
     Richard Mulcahy

"Richard quite likes it on top"
     Emily who works with Richard

"Crazy Horses...WAH WAH!!....Crazy Horses....WAH WAH!!"
     The Osmonds

"2001 is definitely Athletico Salford's Year"
     Craig Hickson

"Gary, can you ask Neil to remind me who's in my team, I've forgotten."
     Karen Wise

"Crazy Horses...WAH WAH!!....Crazy Horses....WAH WAH!!"
     The Osmonds

"I do"
     Simon Stoker

"So do I"
     Nity Raj

"I wanna grow a beard so I can look like Ben Affleck"
     Gary Delaney

"Crazy Horses...WAH WAH!!....Crazy Horses....WAH WAH!!"
     The Osmonds

"Girls should stick to knitting anyway"
     Clare Devaney

"***** **** * **** ******, *****!"
     Mark Darnbrook (comment removed)

GARY'S GIGS ('COS I'M SURE YOU'RE ALL DYING TO KNOW)
18.1.01	Heckle on the Heath
21.1.01	It's a gas
25.1.01	Smiles
28.1.01	Laughing Horse
31.1.01	Caricatures
1.2.01	A right laff
4.2.01	Follies
7.2.01	the jazz bar
11.2.01	tut club
21.1.01	loonatics at the asylum
22.1.01	A right laff
26.1.01	turtley hilarious
1.3.01	downstairs at the kings head
7.3.01	joe's comedy madhouse
28.3.01	Pear shaped in fitrovia

Book now for disappointment.

Oh, and here's the table.....