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THE BOOK OF RIVELINHO
Prophet of Doom - Rob Hick
"Hereafter and forthwith - and notwithstanding - in the Competition of Football Judgement - which mayeth or mayeth not be nameth Dreamteam, shalt verily be renteth asunder by a Malignant Arse-Gall who shalt go by the name of Henryterence, and who shalt amasseth as many points as there are minutes in what hath become knowneth as Normal Time in those lands that are not the Souths of Manchester, and such points will raise a Black-booted team from the Bowels of Turd - in the Tongue of the Potato Eaters - to the Mount of Table whereupon they shalt looketh down at all those teams that hath totalleth less than Four Centuries."
"This team shalt scoreth more points in one Fourteen-night than the total points of the team of the name that tuggeth its Forelock to the vapid clothless schlockshock revue from the Pen of the Fucksayer and his Acolyte the Wankbeatle, of some one score and ten years before.
| Wise words indeed, mate... | "This team of Steel, for whom the Ellandian Harte shalt scoreth exactly one half of their total points shalt languisheth in their very own Black Hole."
"And the Matchstalk-fiddling team of the Town where the Houses are never soldeth, and whose wretched residents didst bloweth their Guntrumpets to causeth the doors of the Hacienda of Wilson to shutteth for Evermore, shalt tumbleth from the Heights, to amongst the Cats and Dogs, because they shalt committeth the Fatal Sin of too much self-congratulation, and they shalt be curseth with Blindness, and this Eternal darkness will thus also be visiteth on the Elicitor of said self-congratulation."
"The Girl-Ponce from upstream of the Bishop's Place in the See of Dando shalt misplaceth his Sparking Clogs, and in the Smokeland he will be knowneth as Pony, and thus it will be realiseth by all who are not blind that he possesseth just a Single Trick."
"And lo! Mephistopheles himself, the Blackerman from the Other Side, who didst see the Red when the Robsonites descendeth, and thus didst loseth points for Goals he hath not concedeth, shalt thus be absent from the long-awaited Second Coming of Unsulliment, and he shalt be the cause of much pain and anguish to many teams, and they shalt be forceth to wait for the Advent of the Window of Transference, whence he might be casteth out into Oblivion."
"But until that time they shalt manifesteth their Hatred toward him, and all those Convictmen who associateth with him, and shalt joineth in support of the Fifth Columnists at the Time of Elimination, that he might be preventeth from entering the Gates of Heaven in the Eastern Lands."
"And the believers shalt looketh forward to the Return of the Good Michael, who with His Infinite Power shalt restoreth Order, and shalt punisheth those who didst foolishly chooseth the way of the Tottenman, or who wenteth Dutch, or who followeth the Cousin of the Lunatic, and who didst profiteth in His absence, shalt be defeateth by Him."
POS |
TEAM |
PTS |
SC |
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1 |
CRUMBS DM |
401 |
123 |
|
2 |
1FC LAUNDROMAT |
379 |
81 |
|
3 |
FECK-ARSE-NIL |
378 |
104 |
|
4 |
RÓISÍNS XI |
374 |
105 |
|
5 |
SALFORD STROKERS |
361 |
54 |
|
6 |
THE DARLING DUBS THAT PLAY |
357 |
117 |
|
7 |
KEANE AS MUSTARD |
350 |
83 |
|
8 |
LUKE PERRY ALL-STARS |
345 |
84 |
|
9 |
GAZTON VILLA |
343 |
69 |
|
10 |
SUPERSONIC FC |
342 |
93 |
|
11 |
SPAKATAK TOXTETH |
340 |
88 |
|
12 |
AOIFE'S XI |
315 |
71 |
|
13 |
TORPEDO BERMONDSEY |
310 |
85 |
|
14 |
CLINT BIZZELL JUNIORS |
304 |
88 |
|
15 |
CRAZYHORSE FC |
303 |
80 |
|
16 |
SOFT CENTRES |
295 |
59 |
|
17 |
1897 - THE GOLDEN YEAR |
285 |
40 |
|
18 |
BILLY'S BOOTS |
284 |
67 |
|
19 |
WOODBOURNE ROVERS |
279 |
63 |
|
20 |
PATRICK DUFFY THISTLE |
276 |
69 |
|
21 |
A TASTE OF THE RAJ |
274 |
68 |
|
22 |
BIRMINGHAM SHITTY |
269 |
78 |
|
23 |
BILL S PRESTON NORTH END |
267 |
101 |
|
24 |
ATHLETICO SALFORD |
267 |
71 |
|
25 |
WHATEVER |
243 |
65 |
|
26 |
LONE RANGERS RETURN |
239 |
59 |
|
27 |
LION OF VIENNA SLEEPS TONIGHT |
231 |
53 |
|
28 |
DUCK UTD |
221 |
46 |
|
29 |
HICKY'S HEROES |
204 |
74 |
|
30 |
OH SHEFFIELD |
120 |
26 |
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