Alright las,

Yes, for one week only I have hung up my knitting needles, and it is in the proud and great tradition of Tarby, Stan Boardman and Tom O'Connor that I present to you this week's comedy scouse report.

I join you live on my way back from the 'pule - the train is totally chocca, and, in my usual jammy fashion, I have landed a seat with crazy woolyback (complete with small, yapping dog) to my right, spotty youth (complete with walkman and disturbing Craig David beard) on the diagonal, and dirty sweaty screffy old man (complete with nits and dandruff) opposite.

A ferry crossing the Mersey...

Even worse, Dirty sweaty keeps giving me the wink after catching just the best bits of my "scores on the doors" call from Neil, and concluding that I'm actually a wanton lady-of-the-night madame running a filthy Scouse prostitution racket, somehow involving Anne Diamond. "So how much will Karen get if she stays on top?" "Is Nicola beating you this week?", "How much would I get for coming in 15th?" and Christ alone knows what he made of "Is Ron still on for the wooden spoon?". Oh God, he's rubbing his thighs now. I really hope that's the table leg…

Anyway, our friend twitchy trousers loses out on the award for disgusting crazy old man display of the week to Tommy the Toffeeman, resident Goodison meths drinker and vagrant lunatic (no, he's not my Dad) who, in disgust at poxy Tranmere's recent poxy victory, actually slashed his prized FA Cup winners 95 signed footy in half. It even made the front of The Echo. And on Saturday, there he was using one half literally as a pot to piss in, and the other…well, for his other ablutions. Now that's football for you folks. One minute your FA Cup winners, the next you're an old tramp's carzy.

And back in Dreamteamland, one manager who can all too well appreciate Tommy's predicament is Callum Campbell whose Porcelain Horse was far better off when it was ugly but dangerous, and is still stuck in 8th place this week. Next thing you know, Cal will be spouting the same old alcofrolic garbage as our Tommy - "sshaam chgoin on the hhwagon tomossha…". Er...hang on a minute…

Meanwhile, in the scrap for the best shellsuit, Karen and Mark are still slogging it out. Karen looks by far the stronger contender at the moment, with an 83 point lead, but, if I have taught him anything, I suspect Mark will make a sly late move with a Kirby kiss, getting his shoe off, or getting his mate to call Uncle Jimmy and the boys in. Watch this space.

In third, Stokes is still threatening to call the bizzies on the top two, closing the gap on Mark to 11 points. Ron has regained his sense of direction, and blagged his way into the money with Bill S Preston North End, while Richard "Not Cocky" Mulcahy's threats to do the double look unfounded as he's made to wait outside the offie in 5th.

Not much moving and shaking really, only that, after flying up the table like a brick through a window, Duncan's Torpedo Bermondsey have taken a step back to 10th this week while my brother, our Gary, has nipped into 9th. Further down, Nick Fletcher has made a sly move for Ron's hubcaps, knocking the Lion of Vienna down one from 17th. Further down again, Corey is still trying to hotwire the Thistle teambus into action. After never really making it to play NAMCO dodgems with the big boys, he and his bruised thighs drop a place to 24th.

And plastic Manc Ash still isn't going to win anything.

Highest scorers this week are Neil, whose random number generator came up with 38, and Billy's Boots, also with 38, which should please our mate, Doctor Franciotta.

And as for my own bunch of scallies… Spakatak's fate was pretty much sealed from week 1 when the curse of the Andrews came up with the immortal "Other notable outfits include Duck Utd and Spakatak Toxteth". Well, it was a 50/50 call… The horrific injuries endured by my beloved Franny Jeffers, coupled with the killer combination of Nicky "no points" Summerbee and Ed De "pants" Goey really put the kaibosh on it. Still, I'm glad to report Old Jug Ears is back, and scoring before he gets his shorts dirty, so I reckon I'm still in with a chance of bagging some spondies.

Anyway, here comes the Inspector, so best get on me toes to the lav with the other bunkers. Believe me, it can get quite crowded in there…

If anyone wants to buy a knock off telly, you know where I am…

but for now, here's the table: