I was going to write this report entirely in the ancient Japanese art form of haiku in honour of England qualifying for next year's World Cup finals, but after several failed attempts to construct a 5-7-5 formation about the midfield, I gave up. I then decided to pay tribute to that ace Japanese TV series "Monkey", but then remembered it was set in China. I would have done "The Water Margin" but I don't think the younger members of our league would have remembered it. So, instead, I've decided to pay homage to that other major Japanese contribution to popular culture, Godzilla ("What a Wookie…").

Picture the scene. Raymond Burr is standing in front of a room of baffled Japanese scientists - who are probably wondering why Ironside can suddenly walk - with a slide projector behind him displaying terrifying shots of the lizard from the sea. Burr turns to his audience to address them.

Godzilla! Click here for special bonus feature!

"Gentlemen. The situation is worse than we first thought" (Cue mumbles of shock and surprise from said scientists). "It appears that lizard - or Godzilla - has risen from the depths of the South China Seas in order to destroy all that stands before him. The fact is, gentlemen, that he is not happy and wants to be at the top of the food chain."

Burr turns and points to the food chain behind him - a complicated diagram that shows that rare creature Salford Strokers (lat - Salfordus Strokersus) at the top. "As you can see, if we put the Lee Sharpe Correlation into effect, the Salford Strokers are currently at the top of the food chain with 307 points scored. As you know, this position hasn't changed for centuries now, with that odd-looking creature the Laudromat just behind sigh 298 points. But this is the real danger!" Burr points to the animal placed third in the current chain.

"This gentlemen is the Godzilla - green, slimy and smelly. It rose from the depths having encountered a bizarre radioactive chemical that was apparently dumped into the ocean off the coast of Singapore (cue more rumbles from the audience). The radiation as caused this creature to grow from an insignificant little irritation to pose a real threat to the top after acquiring a further 51 points in the last week alone. Gentlemen, I give you Crumbs DM!"

The room fills with gasps of exasperation. One scientist stands up at the back to raise his concerns. "What are we to do?"

"The answer is simple," replies Burr. "We must crush him with all our might. But that's not all. He is not alone in rising to the top. There is another creature - further down the food chain, but a threat nonetheless. We call him Godzooky"

The room falls silent as Perry Mason continues.

"This creature has also risen from the depths of obscurity to claim 16th place. We have tried to stop him with one of our Torpedoes, but at the moment, all it can do is to hold it where it is. This fish is a real crazy horse of the 'FC' variety, I can tell you…"

"But what of the Smog Monster?"

"What of him indeed. Yes, this strange life form first rose from the wastes of the local sewage plants in the West Midlands in the United Kingdom of England. It seems to have floated - as is usual in such life forms - around the world to reach us here. But like the others, this Birmingham Shitty will be DESTROYED."

The scientists cheer and Burr leads them out of the room, ready to fight the monsters forthwith. All except the skeptical man in the white coat who walked up to the food chain to examine it further…

POS	TEAM	PTS	SC
1	SALFORD STROKERS	307	25
2	1FC LAUNDROMAT	298	22
3	CRUMBS DM	278	51
4	GAZTON VILLA	274	26
5	FECK-ARSE-NIL	274	21
6	RÓISÍNS XI	269	50
7	KEANE AS MUSTARD	267	15
8	LUKE PERRY ALL-STARS	261	53
9	SPAKATAK TOXTETH	252	37
10	SUPERSONIC FC	249	43
11	1897 - THE GOLDEN YEAR	245	47
12	AOIFE'S XI	244	30
13	THE DARLING DUBS THAT PLAY	240	36
14	SOFT CENTRES	236	32
15	TORPEDO BERMONDSEY	225	15
16	CRAZYHORSE FC	223	38
17	BILLY'S BOOTS	217	24
18	WOODBOURNE ROVERS	216	29
19	CLINT BIZZELL JUNIORS	216	28
20	PATRICK DUFFY THISTLE	207	12
21	A TASTE OF THE RAJ	206	29
22	ATHLETICO SALFORD	196	23
23	BIRMINGHAM SHITTY	191	43
24	LONE RANGERS RETURN	180	21
25	WHATEVER	178	46
26	LION OF VIENNA SLEEPS TONIGHT	178	12
27	DUCK UTD	175	26
28	BILL S PRESTON NORTH END	166	16
29	HICKY'S HEROES	130	13
30	OH SHEFFIELD	94	8