Dear John,

By the time you read this, I'll be gone. I've had enough of your constant whining and moaning about how poorly your team is doing. You don't care about me or the kids. All you care about is that ruddy fantasy football team of yours.

I don't know why you bother. It's not as if your team is any good. Every year you select a mediocre forward line and a midfield made up of injury-prone penalty takers. I don't know why you just don't follow the example of that nice fellow down the road who manages the Salford Strokers?

Michael Ricketts was thrilled the day the Arse stood still...

He's been top for the last three weeks now and doesn't look like losing it at the mo. A good attacking force of Saha and Ricketts, coupled with a defence built around Rio Ferdinand and Sami Hyppia has insured that his team continually scores well. I had my doubts when you started complaining that you couldn't find Peter Osgood in the Chelsea line-up.

I should have listened to my mother and ran off with that nice fellow from the "1FC Laundromat" on the High Street. He always scores well and would've kept me in soap suds for as long as I lived. He may be second best at the mo but he's still a thousand times better than you.

I only have to look down the table to find an improvement on you and it is not only the men. Even the women are better than you! That Liverpudlian lass from the estate, Spakatak Toxteth, is in the Top Ten while those Darling Dubs are shooting up the table like there's no tomorrow.

I don't know where it all went wrong, I truly don't. Just take a look around you! Look at Crazyhorse FC - 61 points this week! 61 POINTS!!! How do you explain that, eh?

All I hear is the usual "I'm so unlucky with injures/loss of form/transfers!" And I'm fed up with it. If Birmingham Shitty can score well anyone can! And don't give me that tripe about him "missing an angel" in the first two weeks. It won't wash with me. And I don't want to hear anything about your players going missing in Europe neither!

I'm leaving you and taking the kids with me. If you want me I'll be at my mother's. I've paid off that nice man Mr Voce for that hotel room so you don't have to worry about that. Oh, and if you want your scores, you'll find them on the table.

Audrey.

POS	TEAM	PTS	SC
1	SALFORD STROKERS	282	64
2	1FC LAUNDROMAT	276	65
3	FECK-ARSE-NIL	253	56
4	KEANE AS MUSTARD	252	71
5	GAZTON VILLA	248	66
6	CRUMBS DM	227	56
7	RÓISÍNS XI	219	47
8	SPAKATAK TOXTETH	215	49
9	AOIFE'S XI	214	48
10	LUKE PERRY ALL-STARS	208	44
11	TORPEDO BERMONDSEY	206	47
12	SUPERSONIC FC	206	40
13	THE DARLING DUBS THAT PLAY	204	61
14	SOFT CENTRES	204	33
15	1897 - THE GOLDEN YEAR	198	46
16	PATRICK DUFFY THISTLE	195	43
17	BILLY'S BOOTS	193	34
18	CLINT BIZZELL JUNIORS	188	62
19	WOODBOURNE ROVERS	187	45
20	CRAZYHORSE FC	185	61
21	A TASTE OF THE RAJ	177	57
22	ATHLETICO SALFORD	173	29
23	LION OF VIENNA SLEEPS TONIGHT	166	29
24	LONE RANGERS RETURN	159	27
25	BILL S PRESTON NORTH END	150	22
26	DUCK UTD	149	41
27	BIRMINGHAM SHITTY	148	58
28	WHATEVER	132	28
29	HICKY'S HEROES	117	14
30	OH SHEFFIELD	86	21